Tuesday 3 May 2016

More guilty nutritional therapy graduate confessions & how to let go of guilt

(within reason!)
Therapy has made me realise a lot of things about myself. I'm someone with a strong tendency to feel guilty about anything and everything from trivial things like making a cake that didn't turn out so well to feeling like I'm not doing enough to make a difference in the world. (Street charity fundraisers or 'chuggers' love people like me!). As I've mentioned a tendency to feel guilty is a feature of depression and can be a real barrier to achieving happiness and life satisfaction. 

My blog post:
http://samanthathesanevegan.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/5-things-to-do-when-black-dog-strikes.html mentions letting go of guilt as a means of alleviating depression but this can be easier said than done. With time and a bit more self-awareness, steps can be taken towards allowing guilt to take over one's life.

So here are my steps to letting go of guilt and how I've managed to apply them to my life

Think about where the guilt is coming from.

Perhaps it's your parents, maybe it's seeing what other people are doing in your facebook newsfeed, or what you think society expects of you. When you've worked out where it's come from, question whether it's a valid reason for feeling guilty.

Often I end up feeling bad about myself due to supposed life obligations that (in my case) have no strong basis. Fortunately my parents have never really pressured me or tried to coerce me into choosing any particular career or life choice but I have a tendency to constantly compare myself with others and put myself down as a result, wrongly assuming everyone is ahead of or superior to me.  TV series and magazines can have much more of an influence than you'd expect.  Without being conscious of it I'll find myself looking at immaculate actresses with perfect hair, make-up and figures and thinking 'I don't look like that!' or looking at a fictional character in a TV series and thinking 'They are younger than me and they have their own flat and don't live with their parents!' Not really good reasons to feel bad about oneself.

If the source of your guilt is nonsensical, it's always good to be aware of this and change what and who you are exposed to in life (certain TV programmes, fashion or lifestyle magazines) if necessary.

If there was something you genuinely are doing or did do wrong in the past try not to dwell on it too much, just think about what you could do better next time and move on.

Sometimes when doing something we don't really enjoy such as work or studying we can get stuck in a procrastination/guilt cycle and sabotage our chances of doing the best we can.  It can be difficult to get out of bad habits (I'm sitting here writing this blog because I know I should really be job hunting, haha!) but try to establish what your real barriers are to doing what you should be doing and how you can overcome them. It always feels so much better when you've gotten something you dread out of the way and makes guilt-free enjoyment easier.

If it's something serious you feel guilty about and you've hurt someone or done something immoral, talking to someone you trust, a therapist or helpline about how you feel may help.  As long as you are taking steps to better yourself you deserve to forgive yourself and move on.

Think about what is right for you

 ....rather than following the crowd or being coerced into doing something because it's the societal norm. 

Obviously acting recklessly or being totally inconsiderate of those you care about is not a good idea but if you have a strong desire to do something (or not to do something!) it's important to choose what makes you happiest. 

I delayed becoming vegetarian and vegan for a very long time, partly for this very reason and it's a real shame. It can be difficult feeling different or like the odd one out but once you learn to stand by your own choices without guilt it can feel really good. If you are, for example, the sole single person in your social circle and your friends are all settled down and/or with children but this is not what you personally want, it's fine not to do this and any worthwhile friends will respect this.  Meeting more like-minded people through networking and meet-ups can really help to make it easier to be yourself.

Learn to laugh at yourself, embrace your mistakes and imperfections. 

This is something I've definitely become a lot better at as I've gotten older but it's taken time. Ageing does have its perks! Once you learn to do this it can be so liberating.

that's the spirit!
When I was a teenager I used to go ice skating sometimes with a friend who learned to skate by herself almost immediately whilst I felt sick with fear and clung to the side, terrified to let go. When I think about what I was afraid of, it was not falling over and injuring myself (which would have been quite a valid fear!). It was more fear that I would make a fool of myself and be laughed at. Given that I'm a sensitive person and sadly like a lot of people, I was teased and made fun of in both primary and secondary school, it's not surprising I would feel this way and it really prevented me from enjoying it. I did eventually learn to skate by myself and in my early twenties I decided to get lessons to improve my confidence.  The first thing we were taught was the correct way to fall over! The coaches stressed that falling over is part of learning to skate and what's important is to do it in the way that causes the least injury and that anyone afraid to fall over will never learn! I really enjoyed the lessons, I improved on a regular basis and it did wonders for my confidence. I didn't exactly reach Olympic standard but got to the stage where I could do the basic jumps and spins (albeit, badly!) which is an achievement for someone who used to cling to the side in fear.  It's quite rare that I fall over but now if I do I'm more worried about the pain than anything else! When you're no longer afraid to laugh at yourself you can make so much progression.

My experience of letting go of guilt!

If I were to write a list of the things I feel guilty about, this blog would never end but I'm going to apply these steps to the thing I felt most guilty about: not starting up a nutritional therapy practice after finishing my qualification.

Where has this guilt come from?
For such a long time I was so unclear about what I wanted to do with my life and some people would say to me that I should be doing something more challenging than being a library assistant and I agreed, I just wasn't sure what that something was.  When I chose to train as a nutritional therapist I was very excited about the fact that I finally knew what I wanted to do and I thought that was just 'it'. I really thought it was all or nothing and if I didn't pursue it there was nothing else I could do. Because I hit the big 3-0 at the end of the course I felt like I really should have decided. I would look at people in their twenties who were nurses or teachers and think 'what the hell is wrong with me!' But this idea that everyone knows what they are doing and that there is a deadline for it is completely false and causes a lot of unnecessary unhappiness.

Think about what is right for me
I went into the nutrition course being so sure I wanted to do it but it turned out to be a bit of a love/hate relationship. I'm sure no one feels permanently passionate about something and everyone has difficult days and stressful times when doing something worthwhile. Nonetheless, I felt that the extent to which the stress of the course made me feel depressed, anxious and overwhelmed sometimes was not good for me. One of the things the course taught me was that stress is usually one of the main factors in disease and it's so important to look after yourself. I do still believe that any worthwhile life change involves getting out of one's comfort zone but the if the feeling of stress is more dominant than the feeling of satisfaction it might not be the right route to go down. 

Learn to laugh at yourself, embrace your mistakes and imperfections:
My blog: http://samanthathesanevegan.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/a-good-look-at-girl-in-mirror-little.html where I've listed all my unhealthy habits was great for this! A lot of the time the course made me feel guilty about the way I eat so I felt like being a bit rebellious!

what people think a nutrition
professional's fridge
looks like
Although on my course I realised that nutrition professionals are just normal everyday people who enjoy treats I still really felt like I don't fit the mould and maybe I don't and that's ok. 

I struggle to eat enough fresh vegetables (despite liking them and knowing how important they are for health) because I can't always be bothered to chop and wash them every day, especially when studying or busy doing something else.

Sometimes I might get really motivated and feel like cooking but I can never really make large quantities of food at a time because there's no space to store it in the fridge/freezer I share with 3 other adults who eat a different diet to me. Other times I can't get to the kitchen because someone else is using it and it's so small that wherever you stand you're getting in someone's way.  (With the way the housing situation is in London I'm sure many other people are living in similar circumstances!)

my section of my parents fridge!
I'm not full of endless healthy recipe ideas and I'm not an expert cook. I don't own and can't afford a vitamix juicer, I just have a smoothie maker worth about £25 that I got as a Christmas present.  When I look at some nutritionist's recipe blogs or cookbooks I feel completely intimidated.

I don't resent those who have a larger kitchen to themselves and are able to experiment more with recipes, I hope that will be me one day. I am still very interested in health and nutrition, I just felt like I couldn't quite live up to the expectations people may have of a nutrition professional.  And it's ok!


I believe having high standards and striving to be the best person you can be is a positive, but if it's to the extent that it's hindering your chance of being happy, it's something that needs to change.

We're all human and are going to make mistakes, make wrong choices and go through periods of uncertainty sometimes.

It's ok to be who you are and we all deserve a chance at happiness and to prevent guilt from holding us back from living the life we want to live.

'NO AMOUNT OF GUILT CAN CHANGE THE PAST AND NO AMOUNT OF WORRYING CAN CHANGE THE FUTURE'
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