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| make up free selfie first thing in the morning today |
Body image and self-esteem are areas that I find really interesting. I can remember one day watching a programme about a pair of conjoined twins who appeared really happy and carefree and thinking 'why do I care so much if I have big thighs or messy hair?, how trivial!' I've had issues with this for as long as I can remember and my recent experience of therapy got me thinking about it again. I have become a lot more confident over the years compared to how I was as a teenager (which isn't saying much!) but I'm still far from being as comfortable with myself than I'd like to be.
I'd suffered another depressive episode recently and had put on a lot of weight over the winter due to comfort eating and stress. After leaving my job and having therapy my mood was lifted dramatically and my energy and motivation to look after myself, exercise and eat well was back. Nonetheless I found myself feeling disgusted with the weight I'd put on and the way that most of my clothes were tight on me. But I chose to take my own advice and rather than doing what the depressed me does (moaning that I'm fat and waiting for that reassuring 'no you're not, you look fine!')
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| this is usually how I feel after indulging over winter! |
The 2016 Samantha!
Most of the time appearance nowadays isn't that much of an issue for me. When I went to Portugal in 2012 and went to the beach I felt quite relaxed and was thinking 'Yes I don't have the perfect 'bikini body' (whatever that means), but who cares, I'm here to enjoy myself!' A lot of the time I'm happy to walk down the street with no make-up and without really making a great effort to look attractive but certain situations trigger feelings of insecurity. When going on a night out in a bar where people are dressed up I often feel insecure,end up comparing myself to other more attractive, slimmer women and it prevents me from enjoying the night. I absolutely refuse to leave the house wearing my glasses (much to my optician's disapproval!) because it makes me incredibly self-conscious, I still don't particularly like looking in the mirror and I often get depressed about my weight and appearance when I go clothes shopping. I'm sure these feelings are not all that uncommon or unusual and I'm still far from being comfortable with myself. But I've come a long way and it's a work in progress!Teenage Samantha!
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| sadly true |
The result is that certain thoughts or ideas about oneself can become ingrained and extremely hard to undo. When I was a teenager, my family really didn't have much money, my clothes were unfashionable, my hair was Einstein-like and I was seen by many to be a geek (I believe the popular word at the time was 'boff!) and not really not the kind of girl that boys would be interested in. I felt quite awkward about myself but when I got a job at 16 I could afford to buy myself new clothes and hair products to tame my frizzy hair. This helped a little bit but when I got attention from men I just felt really confused. It took me about 5 years to grasp the concept that someone could find me attractive and I didn't have my first boyfriend until 23. I can remember at the time of doing my 'A' levels I missed lots of school and was off sick a lot. I used to cover up my mirrors with towels to avoid seeing my reflection and I wrote a list of all the things I hate about my appearance (28 things I hated about my hair, 27 things I hated about my face and 40 things I hated about my body!). I was very tired all the time and doctors didn't know what was wrong with me, now it's quite blindingly obvious that it was depression. I've definitely become more confident since then, although it's taken a very long time.
So why did it affect me for so long and why does it affect some people more than others? We're all exposed to experiences that can potentially make us insecure about ourselves. Being confident about oneself is not to do with physical attractiveness, I mean, look at James Brown and Barry White(RIP)!
My research project for my Psychology degree was on this subject. It's established that there's a relationship between self-esteem and body image but I wanted to look deeper into it. I researched the impact that situations with the potential to make one insecure have on negative emotions and how they correlate with self esteem. I found that, as expected, the lower a person's self-esteem, the greater the extent of negative emotions were in these imagined situations. So, for example, if a person with low self-esteem goes to a family wedding and a tactless relative makes a derogatory comment about that person's weight, it will have a greater impact on them than someone with high self-esteem. It sounds like a no-brainer but it goes to show that one of the most important ways to a healthy body image is to work on one's self esteem, rather than changing your appearance.
Everyone has different ways of helping themselves but here's what's helped me:
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| Me aged 23 on a night out. I look confident but that's because I'm drunk! |
Everyone has different ways of helping themselves but here's what's helped me:
Samantha's body confidence tips!
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| very well said! |
- Having quality rather than quantity with friends and spending time with supportive family members
- Removing or ignoring things (TV shows, magazines) and people in your life who are making you feel bad about yourself
- Being well groomed, taking care of oneself by exercising and eating well
- If you dislike something about your appearance that is easily changeable, it's ok to make changes but don't think you have to postpone your life until you've made that change.
- Make confidence playlists with songs that make you feel good! My selection might be a bit cheesy for some people's taste, but here it is:
- https://open.spotify.com/user/samanthapottinger/playlist/168HjnKQ35zYti2drQHfa6
- There are lots of good books you can read to improve your self-esteem and body image. Katie Piper (an ex-model who was tragically scarred by an acid attack) is very inspirational.
- Remembering that there's more to life than appearance! Enjoy yourself!
I'm currently coming out of a depressive episode. For me, the process I'm going through is about attaining stability, and putting a support structure in place to help to maintain that stability.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I was bullied at school (as well as having other traumatic childhood experiences), and the way that people viewed me shaped the way I viewed myself. I honestly cannot remember any compliments from my peers, only negativity.
I still suffer from poor self-esteem, but I'm working on addressing that voice at the back of my head that says negative things about me (echoing what was said to me as I grew up).
Logically, I know that it's not important what other people think of you, and that's the kind of thing I'd say to someone like me if they had my issues; but the tricky part is getting my emotional self to take that advice.
It's great that you're on the other side of the process from me. What you say makes a lot of sense, and it evidently comes from your experience and the difficult journey that you've undertaken to get to where you are.
Unfortunately, some people with self-esteem issues won't be in the right place to heed your advice; something has to click into place in order to start the journey. But, hopefully, when that click happens, seeing your blog will show them that change can occur, and things can improve.
Thanks for your input. I totally know what you mean about people not being in the right place to heed my advice. When I'm depressed and I see people posting 'inspirational' things I just think 'oh piss off'. And when you've had something drilled into you for a long time (such as the idea that you are ugly) it can take an extremely long time to undo this, especially if you're not surrounded by the right support. I still say horrible things about myself all the time. I have the advantage of being surrounded by people who help boost rather than hinder my self-confidence now. If you haven't found those people yet, they're somewhere!
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